


Please Come Back

by KaCL



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Batman: The Telltale Series (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack Crossover, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-05-04 15:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14596026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaCL/pseuds/KaCL
Summary: Bruce Wayne and Sterling Archer somehow switch places and end up in the bed's of two strangers who try to help them cope with being in alternative universes. Will Archer ever get back to his daughter's side? Does Bruce accidentally reveal his identity to the workers at ISIS? Will Archer and Bruce actually confess their true feelings to their significant others? Will Archer get a giant erection when gets to drive the f***ing Batmobile?! Yes to probably all of those, but you should read it anyway!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this fanfiction is mostly for my own pleasure and such a niche group that could possibly enjoy it. Also some of these characters are kinda way OOC, but whatever! Figured I'd post for anyone else that could like it. Enjoy!

Sterling Archer awoke peacefully under a luxuriously soft blanket. He stretched his arm above his head but refused to open his eyes quite so soon. He lazily rolled over on the bed and was greeted with a warm soft back. _Lana_ he thought happily. He raised his arm up to the shoulder of his lover and rubbed her supple backside. She rolled over held onto his arm, passionately albeit a bit roughly. Archer lifted his arms up to her chest so that he could get a handful of the most amazing pair of breasts he’d ever- his train of thought stopped completely when his hand only met a smooth canvas.

  
His eyes finally lifted open and was met with a dark green haired, almost devilishly grinning man. Archer did a combat roll while grasping onto the young man, off the bed onto the hardwood floor below. The man thudded onto the ground with Archer kneeling over him, both completely nude. Archer lifted up his fist ready to punch.

  
The man below him went into a giggling-fit, laughing uncontrollably. Archer almost growled his next words, “Look, I don’t know what happened last night, but last I remember is falling asleep next to my gorgeous uh… friend. She and her baby better be safe or I will go Rambo on your ass.” Archer said, while trying to emphasize his threats with the hopefully painful hold he had on the man’s shoulder. The man had no response except laughing somehow even harder into Archer’s face. He was starting to think the guy had a few bolts loose.

  
The man’s laughter finally started to fade and he began to speak. “I-I know I said I wanted to do more roleplay in the bedroom, Brucie, but I can’t take you seriously. Especially not with that ridiculous voice you’ve got going on.”

  
Archer gaped. “R-Ridiculous voice? My voice is as sensual and smooth as velvet!” His voice raising to an insanely high pitch on the last word.

  
This comment caused the man to return to his laughing, irritating Archer on a whole new level. He yelled, “Also, I have no idea who the hell this ‘Brucie’ is! I’m Sterling Archer, the world’s greatest secret agent!”

  
The man’s face fell blank. “Eh…”

  
Archer fumed. “Eh?! You don’t even know me!”

  
“Look, I like the character Bruce, but it’s not very believable. Could he really be the world’s greatest secret agent if he announces it to random strangers…”

  
“I-” Archer stopped himself and shook his head. He got off the man and grabbed the pair of black briefs he found on the floor and covered and his shame. He looked back at the green haired man who was still casually lying on the floor, leaned up on one hand, checking out Archer as he dressed.

  
“Look… I am not this Bruce guy that you think I am. I’m Archer.” He explained as slowly and calmly as he could muster.

  
The man got off the ground and frowned at Archer. “This roleplay isn’t fun, Brucie. You can’t put on more clothes as we go…”

  
Archer groaned in annoyance. “I’m not your boyfriend okay! Look!” Archer turned his back to the man and pointed to his tattoo, Seamus written in bold black letters on his right shoulder. He heard a gasp from behind him. Then the man started rubbing at where he assumed the tattoo was, trying to smudge what he thought was make up.

  
“See? I’m not who you think I am.” Archer turned around to face the man, eyes wide open in shock.

  
“That… was definitely not there yesterday…” The man said, staring through Archer. “I mean I was looking at that back for about an hour last night while…”

  
“Shhh!” Archer interrupted. “Don’t wanna know the details, Gayer Captain Planet.”

  
The man let out an offended huff. “Alright… Archer…” The man said as he waltzed over and sat back on the bed. “Seeing as my Bruce is missing and you are here instead, give me a reason why I shouldn’t kill you.”

  
“Well one, seeing as you are unarmed, there’s no way you could kill m-” Archer stopped as he heard a pistol get cocked and saw that the man had pulled a gun out of the bedroom table drawer. “And two, I’ll help you find him because I had no doing in the way that this situation is unfolding. I’m honestly just as confused as you are!”

  
The man looked him up and down and smirked. “Lucky for you, I’m a trusting person… If you had encountered someone a bit more…”

  
“Sane?”

  
The man laughed loudly before covering his mouth with his hand and calming down. “Doubtful, was there word I was looking for. If you had encountered a more doubtful person you’d have a bullet sized hole in between your eyes at the moment.”

  
“Meep.” Archer said quietly. “Ok so, what’s the name, Jolly Green Fairy? Boom.”

  
The man got off the bed and walked slowly towards him, still completely nude, until the barrel of the gun was pushing into his bare chest. “It’s John Doe. You’re going to help me find Bruce Wayne.”

  
Silence flooded the room for a few peaceful moments until Archer opened his mouth again. “Wait, Bruce Wayne? As in Batman?!”

 

 * * *

 

Bruce Wayne was standing next to the bed in Archer’s penthouse while an angry Lana Kane glared at him. He spoke up after her last question. “No, no, not like batman! Batman? I’m not Batman? What, that’s silly!”

  
She groaned. “Yes, I know you’re not Batman, _Bruce Wayne_ , because he’s a fictional character from a comic book.” She crossed her arms. “Look, Archer, this isn’t funny. We don’t have time for your practical jokes. We gotta go drop AJ off at daycare and get to work. If we‘re more than 10 minutes late to work we won’t hear the end of it.”

  
“This isn’t a practical joke.” Bruce said and walked towards her. “Could I use your phone for a moment, Miss…”

  
She laughed. “Kane. Here. Don’t know why you can’t just use yours, oh wait, you don’t know the passcode.” She said in a overly sarcastic voice. Miss Kane handed Bruce the phone before heading out of the bedroom. “I’m gonna get dressed and you better be ready to go, with this dumb act and weird voice dropped, by the time I’m out, or I’m leaving without you.”

  
Bruce was left alone with the phone. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Miss Kane had said about the Batman. Fictional? He went online and looked up Batman on a search engine. He searched through pages upon pages about comic books, movies, and video games about the fictional Batman character, the alter ego of billionaire, philanthropist Bruce Wayne. The secret that he’d been guarding for years, just a google search away. There were also pages about the villains that batman had faced over the years, a few he recognized and a few he didn’t. The penguin he knew was much different than the older, rounder men he saw on the screen. His catwoman was never as scantily clad as some of the examples he saw. It seemed his most popular villain was the Joker… a man with green hair, bright red lipstick, pale white face, and a purple suit… oh no, was this supposed to be John-

  
“And you’re still not ready…” Miss Kane walked in fully dressed in a white sweater dress and boots holding a smiling baby that was clutching to her side. Bruce looked up at the woman when she announced her presence. “Woah, you don’t look so good.” She sat next to Bruce and put her non-baby occupied arm around his shoulder. “What’s going on?” She looked down at the phone still in his hand. Images of the Joker meeting her eye. “Archer, are you actually having a mental break down?” She asked with a hint of both amusement and concern in her voice.

  
Bruce put the phone down on the bed and looked into her eyes. “Miss Kane…”

  
“Lana.” She said forcefully, worry now evident in her gaze.

  
“Lana, you have to believe me. I’m not Archer. I am Bruce Wayne. I know I probably sound insane to you, but please. My name is Bruce Wayne. I’m the person from these fictional stories. I don’t know how this is possible, but maybe I’ve been switched with Archer and now he’s in my universe.” He said slowly.

  
He got up off the bed and stood next to a nearby table. On the table was a framed photograph of Archer, Lana, and AJ. Bruce looked at his twin. He was obviously taking a selfie with the other two and had a giant smile plastered on his face. He had his arm around Lana who had a faux irritated frown on her face. You could tell she was also trying to hold back a grin by the lines around her eyes. AJ was in Archers other arm with the echo of Archer’s own huge smile. Bruce guessed that the child was probably Archer’s. He couldn’t help but softly smile at the warming photo.

  
Lana walked up behind him and clutched at his right shoulder. “Your tattoo… it’s gone.” She said very quietly. “You’re not bullshitting me are you?”

  
“Afraid I’m not, Miss Kane.” He said solemnly.

  
She sighed. “Lana, you can call me Lana as long as you’re in the body of my… friend.”

  
“Friend, huh? Not using labels?”

  
“Not that it’s any of your business... “

  
He cleared his throat. “Yeah, sorry.” He said apologetically, looking at Lana. “But I’m not in your friend’s body. We happen to look exactly the same.”

  
She arched a confused eyebrow at him.

  
He turned towards her. “My very uninformed guess is that Archer and I are the same person in alternate realities and either an enemy of mine or Archer’s had something to do with this. Does anyone you know perform any science experiments or have a grudge against Archer?” He asked.

  
Lana’s eyes lit up and then proceeded to narrow in irritation. “Krieger.” She groaned. Then it was Bruce’s turn to arch his eyebrow. “He’s this wacky German scientist that has an entire lab to himself at my work where he just creates insane experiments all day. Pretty sure he’s a clone of Adolf Hitler.” She explained.

  
“Um?”

  
“But that’s besides the point, not even really clear on that detail at moment, anyway.” She said.

  
“What do you even do?” Bruce wondered out loud.

  
“At the moment? Spy agency run by the CIA.” She said casually. “It changes every 6 months or so, though.”

  
“Right.”

  
“Okay, so here’s the plan.” Lana explained. “We’re going to drive to AJ’s daycare and drop her off, because I do not want her getting mixed up in this business, and then we’re going to my office to confront Krieger, but do not let anyone know that you are not actually Archer. I don’t even want to know how some of my coworkers would respond to meeting Batman.” She went over and picked up some car keys from a desk. “And also you’re driving.” She tossed the keys over to Bruce.

  
“Sounds good, except why am I driving?” He asked.

  
“Because I need a drink.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and John find something to drink, and Lana's on a mission to get Archer back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since the first chapter, but... you know how it is! Anyways hope you enjoy, and sorry in advance for any errors!

“Well, we could probably find some water downstairs.” John said.

“No, not water. Alcohol! Is there not an a liquor cabinet in this entire goddamn mansion?!” Archer groaned. He was opening every drawer and cabinet door he could find while walking through Wayne Manor. Both he and John had gotten fully dressed before leaving the bedroom.

John placed a thoughtful finger on his chin and contemplated. “Oh, I think I know what you need!” He grabbed archer’s hand and pulled him down the stairs.

Archer tried to yank away, but the man’s grip was surprisingly strong. “No, I don’t want water, Cosmo! I need a drink. Trust me, you do not wanna see me sober.”

John looked back at him with a grin on his face. “Sounds like you’ve gotta problem there, buddy.” 

Archer rolled his eyes. “Thanks for the diagnoses, Doc, I’ll be sure to get on the program as soon as I’m not in Batman’s shitting mansion.”

They came to a set of doors when John finally let go of Archer’s hand. John pushed open the doors to reveal and entire room with glass cabinets twelve feet tall filled to the brim with what looked like liquors and spirits of all kinds.

Archer was in awe. “Holy ass. I think your boyfriend is the one with the problem.” Archer said and looked around. “There’s seriously a shitting rolling ladder in here. If you need a goddamn ladder for your booze, you have a problem.”

John laughed and giggled. “Calm down, these have been in the Wayne family forever. It’s like a stamp collection, gathers dusts for the most part, but please, I’m sure Bruce would be fine with you helping yourself.”

Archer picked out a bottle and grabbed a glass. He looked over at John as he poured himself a drink. “Not much of a drinker, I’m guessing?”

John shook his head. “No, no, no, no. I’m a sad drunk.”

Archer chuckled to himself. “Plus, I bet the loopy pills do enough intoxicating on their own,” He said as he lifted the glass to his mouth.

John laughed and looped to behind Archer in a way that made Archer’s hair stand, he moved around him like a predator, like a… alligator! John grabbed Archer by the arm and rested his head on Archer’s shoulder. Archer shoved the shorter man off of him and backed away

“What the hell are you doing?!” He shouted in surprise.  
John smiled. “I wanted to smell you. See how you compare to Brucie. You know you look exactly like him right? Your hair is the same texture. Your eyelashes are the same length. Everything’s identical down to the last detail. Every detail except your voice and that tattoo.”

“Yep, it’s a real mystery isn’t it?” Archer said in a slightly strained voice. The way that John gazed at him made him feel uneasy. His smile was big and bright but his eyes held something that terrified Archer to his core: anger, sadness, and somehow acceptance?

John’s gaze left Archer and fell to the ground. His shoulders sagged and the smile on his face fell. “I just don’t have any idea how I’m going to get him back.” Archer frowned. He didn’t know how they were supposed to fix this either. He knew crazy shit was possible, it wasn’t too long ago that he’d been shrunk down to the size of a blood cell, but even this was beyond him. He was inside of a fictional universe. This fictional place seemed so real, though. If this place wasn’t reality then who's to say that his universe isn’t actually rea- now isn’t the time for an existential breakdown. He has to figure out how to fix this mix up.

He reached forward and held John’s shoulder. “John, it’s going to be ok, I don’t know why, but stuff usually works out for me. I’ve got a friend in my universe who I’m sure is with your boyfriend, helping him figure this out. Bruce will be back by your side, I’m sure of it.” Archer slightly grimaced at his words. Ugh, why did he sound so sentimental. There was something about this John character that made him mushy.

John looked up at him and grinned. He threw himself onto Archer and hugged him tightly, and to Archer’s surprise lifting him off the ground. “Thank you, Archie!”

Archer, instead of pushing the green headed man off he wrapped his arm around him lightly, making sure to keep a good grip on his drink. “Don’t mention it, John.” Archer’s voice was two pitches higher than normal, his insides being squeezed by a freakishly strong little man. “Could you, um set me down?” John set Archer down and backed away.

“Sorry, I’m a hugger,” John said apologetically.

Archer laughed. “Yeah, I can see that,” He said amusedly. “So, what do you think the first step to finding out how to get in contact with my universe would be?”

The door that they had entered a few minutes ago opened. An older, white haired man with glasses walked in. “Master Wayne, Gordon is on the phone for you downstairs.”

Archer’s eyes widened and he looked towards John for guidance. John’s eyes were similarly wide, but he managed to straighten himself out. He stepped forward. “Well, hello, Alfred! I’ll take him on down to the cave, heh… we were having a very a personal…” John came to Archer’s side and let his hand fall down to his shoulder and then travel down to his… ass! Archer’s eyes somehow widened even further. A blush settled firmly on his cheeks. “Conversation…”  
Alfred had a similar blush as well, but you couldn’t tell he was affected by John’s PDA besides his eyes which were glancing away from the couple. “Oh, well, let me know if you need any assistance.” He quickly left the room. John stepped two feet away from Archer when the door shut.

“The hell, man?” Archer glared at the skinny man. “You seriously couldn’t think of any other way to get him to leave.”

John laughed. “Nope! Come on, we gotta get downstairs. Gordon only calls Batsy when there’s a real emergency!” 

 

* * *

 

Lana and Bruce walked into the creaky elevator. Lana hit the button for the top floor. The elevator definitely smelled like it had been through some events. Bruce didn’t want to think about it.

Bruce looked over to his companion. “So, anything I should know before we head into this secret agency.” 

Lana pondered the question for a moment. “Mallory, the older, older, grouchy woman, is your mother, you don’t like her very much, yet have this weird Freudian obsession with her. She’s the only one you really have to worry about. I’m going to try to get you to Krieger’s lab as quickly as possible, just try to brush off any conversation the idiots try to have with you.” 

The elevator doors opened to reveal a large reception desk with no receptionist to be seen. Bruce let Lana leave the elevator first so he could follow her lead. “Receptionist late?” He asked taking in this new environment.

“Nope, it’s just the skeleton crew these days. Everyone got laid off and found new jobs after the FBI took us in.” She said casually.

Bruce had to glance at her after that. “Umm…”

She held up a hand to stop him. “Long story, some other time, Richie Rich.”

Bruce was about to reply to that comment when a voice sounded behind them. 

“Oh, look who finally decided to show up.” 

They turned to look at a man with large glasses, short stature, and black hair. He had a smug grin on his face. “Mallory is waiting for you two. She’s very irritated that you two are late, especially considering that Hawley is still pissed that you almost blew the mission to save Kovacs.” 

Lana rolled her eyes at him. “Thank you Captain Exposition,” She sighed. “Cyril, do you really get that big of a boner for seeing Archer and I get in trouble?”

“Look I can’t help it, blame Archer for riding my ass the entire mission,” Cyril looked over at Bruce, expecting a snarky retort.

Bruce looked at him, smiled, and shrugged. “Sorry?”

Lana looked over at Bruce worriedly. Cyril started to say something, but she interrupted and grabbed Bruce’s hand. “Well, we oughta get going! Can’t leave Mallory waiting too long!” She pulled him down the hallway and out of Cyril’s sight.

Cyril’s eyes narrowed, something was going on.

 

* * *

 

Bruce and Lana walked into the bright white lab. Krieger was hunched over some disgusting experiment which Lana tried to ignore.

“Krieger!” She yelled. He proceeded to look up sheepishly. He pulled off his gloves and threw them on the ground.

Lana pointed at Bruce. “Did you do this?” 

Krieger held his hands up. “Look, I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to see if it was possible to switch out identical biological masses that exist in different universes. I was doing the calculation and accidentally made the switch to one of the Batman universes. It happens to the best of us.”

Lana faked a grin. “Yep, just a simple mistake. A mistake that can be fixed right?”

Krieger lifted his hand to his chin and looked up. “Well, that would depend… the first switch took a massive amount of energy in plutonium and I only have so much left... do either of you have a couple million in plutonium to spare-” 

Krieger’s air pipe was cut off by Lana hand wrapping around his neck. “You are going to bring. Him. Back.” 

A choked assurance came out his mouth, but Lana continued to squeeze. “You’re not going to bring him back with any weird genetic defects either cause you were too much of a cheap ass to get the energy either.” 

Gargled moans continued to escape Krieger’s mouth.

Bruce grabbed Lana’s shoulder. “Lana please I want him back, too, but you have to let Krieger go.”

Lana glanced at Bruce and then let Krieger go, who proceeded to gulp in as much air as he could.

Lana turned to Bruce, “Him?”

Bruce’s eyes widened. “Oh, I…” Bruce’s cheeks burned bright red. “I guess you would find out eventually, but, the villain you probably know as the joker… we’re together.” Bruce rubbed the back of his head nervously. 

Lana’s mouth gaped comically.

“Holy shit-snacks! Batman and Joker are gay!” A loud Pam yelled from behind. They turned to see Cyril, Pam, and Cheryl in the doorway, all with wide eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments I got on the last chapter are what really inspired me to write this. So please, any comments are awesome! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Edit: I made an archer edit on instagram! check it out if you're interested! https://www.instagram.com/p/BlT2Lv8DtjN/?taken-by=kacledits

**Author's Note:**

> Would love some feedback! <3333 Stay tuned for more!
> 
> (also there might be grammar mistakes, completely unbeta-ed)


End file.
